A year ago

A year ago, I decided to make a big change in my life. Most people say they have an aha moment, and I’m no different. I’m a little sad that mine was something rather lame, but there you go.

For me, it was Valentine’s Day.

Now, Valentine’s Day isn’t really a big deal to me, never has been. Even when I was married/in relationships, I was more about chillin’ at home with a bottle and a good movie (didn’t even have to be a chick flick!) than flowers and chocolate – but for some reason it was a big deal last year. I was sitting alone in my house watching something unmemorable on Netflix and felt miserable.

I remember hating how I looked.

How I felt.

How miserable I was most of the time.

It’s funny how sometimes you change over the years and don’t realize how much you have – especially if you are in a downward spiral. Then one day you finally remove your rose colored glasses and see reality once again.

My reality was that I had grown to be the largest I’d even been. I became winded going up stairs, my giant belly got in the way when I wanted to move certain ways. Everything became more of an effort.

Everything: buckling sandals, reaching for things on the floor, having to mentally do the math to make sure I could still fit through a turnstile at Disneyland, quickly eyeballing routes through restaurants so I wouldn’t have to ask someone to scootch in so your rotund self can get through. While this improved my mental talents for spacial relationships, it was hell otherwise.

Clothes shopping was miserable and I didn’t feel it was worth it to put much effort into my appearance – why bother? So I resorted to the wardrobe of my depressed, self-loathing self: oversized, shapeless t-shirts, and jeans or yoga pants. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Then came the night when it all came to a head. I’m not even sure if something in particular set it off. I’m hoping it wasn’t one of those damned jewelry commercials or something, but something did.

I cried.

I said horrible things to myself that I would never say to another person.

All the anger I was feeling about how I had let myself slide manifested itself into meanness – all self directed. I hit my mental rock bottom.

I hated who I was and felt unworthy of anything.

Who the hell would ever want to spend Valentine’s Day with someone like me? (I mean, aside from some of my own irritating personality traits – but that’s a whole other journey of self discovery.)

I’ve been single for a long time after my divorce over 15 years ago and while I’ve dated here and there, I seemed to remain so. I kept telling myself it’s because I was so fat and ugly. No one would ever want to date something (yes, thing) like me. I was very alone – and lonely.

Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing friends. Friends I sometimes wonder what on earth I did to deserve. They are often much more wonderful and giving to me than I feel I ever am to them.

But there it was. Pity party for one complete with copious tears and a glorious helping of self loathing.

That night, I felt something inside my head click and decided to make a change.

At first, it was just making a shift in my eating. I used an app to monitor everything I ate, stayed under the calorie allotment and waited for some results. I was not disappointed.

I kept with it, eventually adding in exercise. It was tough at first, especially when I would berate myself for losing the fitness I used to have. But I also knew that it would come back if I kept at it.

So I did.

In April, things were going pretty well, so I decided to challenge myself and start running. It was an ugly start. One full of anxiety, frustration, and so much disappointment in myself. But I kept at it – even when I thought I was going to die (this may or may not be an overly dramatic assessment.)

I made a deal with myself that if I ran a 5k without stopping and still hated it, I never had to run again. Sounded like a “reasonable” compromise, though I questioned that time and time again with each week that passed.

But you know, each week (surprisingly) I got stronger and fitter. I didn’t die (yay me!) and though I am still loath to admit it, I found I didn’t hate running.

And then I ran the 5k. Prior to this, the farthest I’d ever run without stopping was maybe a mile.

I consider it one of my major accomplishments in life so far.

It’s not an easy road all of the time. Sometimes my head is in the game and it’s just my lifestyle now. I eat less, I exercise some, I still enjoy time with friends and eating out. And wine.

Other times, I find I become lax and I burn out then have to get my head back into the game. In other words, I’m human. Shocking to some, I know, but it’s the truth.

That’s when I do a little evaluation of life now to remind myself how far I have come and to where I have no wish to return.

I am still not exactly where I want to be, but I can’t belittle how far I’ve come in the last year. It’s a whole new world and I’m excited to see what else comes of it.

I’ve created this site as a place for inspiration that I want to share with anyone who may be interested. I want others who are starting on their own self projects to know they are not alone. I want my fellow beginning runners – and those who might not be speed demons – to have a place they feel welcome and comfortable in.

In short, I want to share my story with other and have them share theirs with me. None of us are alone, and we have to remember that.